I’ve written in the author’s note in my book about where Fall of Knight came from. There’s actually a little more to the story that I think I’ll share. I have thought about writing such a book for years, but it was always a little too close to home for me. Mental illness, bullying, suicide, family issues — I have had experience with them all first hand. It’s a little bit harder to write about them when you have. However, what comes out is something a little more honest.
When I was in middle school, one of my friends hid in a closet when he was home alone and shot himself in the side with a shotgun. He bled to death. His little brother found him. That experience has haunted me throughout my life. I had just seen him the Saturday before, and I could tell he was a little depressed. I knew there were school issues and family issues, but I didn’t bother to invite him to talk about them. All I wanted to do was talk about baseball. I don’t know if I was just clueless as to the depth of his despair or if I didn’t want to talk about anything unpleasant because in middle school, I was going through a horrible time myself.
I was bullied it seemed incessantly. My nerves were raw like I just knew someone was going to do something to me at any moment, and it was just a matter of time. We had to take a bus about ten miles to our school, and I can remember that bus ride being hell every day. I also remember one of my friends calling me a fag. I remember a teacher bragging on all the kids who got a 98% on a test — all of them except for me.
I remember other things that I still can’t and won’t write about. I think I have forgotten a lot too just because I have refused to think about them over the years. I know now that I was weird and socially awkward. I’m convinced that I had already begun suffering from my bipolar disorder. I am surprised that i didn’t follow my friend’s path and kill myself too. At the time, I was more afraid to die than I was to live. For that, I do thank God.
I survived middle school and managed to make it into high school. I don’t remember anything much about my tenth grade year. Honestly, nothing, except that I had a beautiful French teacher and I sucked at math. It was after my junior year that I began self medicating with alcohol, but that’s a story for another time. I survived high school and college and became a teacher. I don’t know if that was a smart thing for someone who has a mental illness to do.
Well, I don’t want to tell my whole life story in one blog, so I’ll close this one for now. One thing you may notice about me is that I sometimes have trouble focusing. I started this blog entry to let you know why I wrote Fall of Knight. I’m not sure I explained. Anyway, I wrote it because someone needs to be a voice for the bullied and the ill. I know Fall of Knight has some weird plot twists, but in my writing, I must also remember that I have to tell a good story.
You won’t believe the plot twists I have lined up for you in the sequel.