Where did that come from?

I’ve written in the author’s note in my book about where Fall of Knight came from. There’s actually a little more to the story that I think I’ll share. I have thought about writing such a book for years, but it was always a little too close to home for me. Mental illness, bullying, suicide, family issues — I have had experience with them all first hand. It’s a little bit harder to write about them when you have. However, what comes out is something a little more honest.

When I was in middle school, one of my friends hid in a closet when he was home alone and shot himself in the side with a shotgun. He bled to death. His little brother found him.  That experience has haunted me throughout my life.  I had just seen him the Saturday before, and I could tell he was a little depressed.  I knew there were school issues and family issues, but I didn’t bother to invite him to talk about them.  All I wanted to do was talk about baseball. I don’t know if I was just clueless as to the depth of his despair or if I didn’t want to talk about anything unpleasant because in middle school, I was going through a horrible time myself.

I was bullied it seemed incessantly.  My nerves were raw like I just knew someone was going to do something to me at any moment, and it was just a matter of time. We had to take a bus about ten miles to our school, and I can remember that bus ride being hell every day. I also remember one of my friends calling me a fag. I remember a teacher bragging on all the kids who got a 98% on a test — all of them except for me.

I remember other things that I still can’t and won’t write about. I think I have forgotten a lot too just because I have refused to think about them over the years. I know now that I was weird and socially awkward.  I’m convinced that I had already begun suffering from my bipolar disorder. I am surprised that i didn’t follow my friend’s path and kill myself too. At the time, I was more afraid to die than I was to live.  For that, I do thank God.

I survived middle school and managed to make it into high school. I don’t remember anything much about my tenth grade year. Honestly, nothing, except that I had a beautiful French teacher and I sucked at math. It was after my junior year that I began self medicating with alcohol, but that’s a story for another time. I survived high school and college and became a teacher.  I don’t know if that was a smart thing for someone who has a mental illness to do.

Well, I don’t want to tell my whole life story in one blog, so I’ll close this one for now. One thing you may notice about me is that I sometimes have trouble focusing. I started this blog entry to let you know why I wrote Fall of Knight.  I’m not sure I explained. Anyway, I wrote it because someone needs to be a voice for the bullied and the ill.  I know Fall of Knight has some weird plot twists, but in my writing, I must also remember that I have to tell a good story.

You won’t believe the plot twists I have lined up for you in the sequel.

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2 Comments

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  1. Juliann Grenier April 6, 2015 — 5:46 pm

    I think we never really fully realize what’s happening to the people around us when we’re still young, even in teenage years, because we are too absorbed in ourselves and being what society thinks we should be. I think maybe we just make ourselves believe nothing is wrong because we don’t want to know that others are hurting and that our world is as dark as it is light.

    I myself have just started reading Fall of Knight, and already my world is changing. Not necessarily in any drastic way, just in an eye-opening way, where now I hope I won’t be like most teenagers who pretend not to notice the difficulties others face, and where maybe I can convince myself to be a little courageous and give people an ear to hear their story when they think no one cares. I want people to care; I want them to know people care. Reading your book is just making my desires stronger; maybe by the end of it I may even get a sliver of the courage I wish to obtain.

    But anyway, I just wanted to thank you, because although I have not reached the end of Fall of Knight yet, it is already helping me and that’s something rather amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

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