Random musings

I admit it.  If not for the fact that I have a mental illness, my life would be boring.  Most people would look at me, hang around me for a while, and remark maybe that I’m a nice guy, but I am incredibly boring. I don’t talk much. I don’t go out much. I’m usually lost inside my own mind, and more often than not, that is not the best place to be.  I can look straight into the face of a person talking to me, and when they are finished, think, “What did she/he say?”  I’m not rude.  In fact, I’m probably just the opposite.  I will more often let someone walk over me than force confrontation, though I have changed a little bit in that regard. My wife has said that I’m passive aggressive. That’s true too, I suspect. As you can guess from reading this, I am not very organized either. My thoughts follow no logical progression. One of the hardest things for me to do is to sit and plan out what I want to write. People have a specific name for that — I think it’s called organic writing.  The problem with organic writing is that it often is not logically sequenced and there are times when I write myself into a corner and I wonder how in the hell I got there. I chase rabbits too as you can tell from this entry, but one of the reasons I’m writing this in this way is that I am trying to give you a glimpse into the way someone who is manic might think. I think I may be a little ADD too, but I have never been diagnosed. I have read somewhere on the Internet about this new pill that is supposed to increase brainpower and concentration by leaps and bounds. They compare it to Adderal but apparently its healing powers even put Adderal to shame. I’ve forgotten what it’s called. I’m guessing it’s like all the other miracle supplements.  What’s the one that came out a while ago that was supposed to cause dramatic weight loss, and the person taking it had to put no effort into at all?  Even Dr. Oz supported it supposedly.  I’m sure that in this case Dr. Oz was very much like the wizard of great renown.  There’s another thing I think about my thinking which my students think is weird. I don’t think in pictures and images. I think in words. We all know how inadequate words can be at times. I have always wanted to be a screenplay writer, but I doubt if that ever happens because screenwriting is such a visual medium. If you have ever read any of my work, you might have noticed that I use very little description in my writing.  A lot of people have said they’ve finished Fall of Knight in three or four hours.  That’s one of the reasons. I use a lot of action sequences and dialogue.  Honestly, the best writing medium for me would be plays, but sometimes I don’t want to settle for writing plays.  I’m deluded enough — delusions of grandeur are also very much a part of the bipolar personality — to think that I can write a best selling novel — in fact, I’m always thinking that my next one will be the one that makes me rich (I’ve been thinking this since I was 22) — or I think the day I option a screenplay for six figures is just around the corner just waiting for my next screenplay to be finished. The cycle that results from these delusions can be devastating to me. I am working on a project; the closer and closer I get to finishing it, the more excited I become and the more I think this is the one, the one where my boat will come in and I will achieve not only financial but literary success. When it doesn’t sell or worse still when it doesn’t even get noticed, I crash so hard that I break into pieces. I stay that way for a long time.  Then one day, I think, “What if …”  Slowly, I put my pieces together again and the self-destructive cycle begins again. The absolute worst thing that someone with my mental illness can be is a writer. Successes are so few and so far between.  And there’s a song that says “You’re only as good as your last record.”  In writing, you are constantly trying to prove yourself over and over again.  When I fail, it is devastating.  Wow, I have certainly strayed down a few different paths here.  This blog — this splattering of unrelated thoughts — is my daily reality.  Sometimes, I just can’t shut down the whirling in my mind, and I have periods of insomnia. They make everything worse.  Well, I hope this look inside the working of my mind was not too scary.  I’ll write again soon.


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