Killing Self

If the dreams you have at night are a window into your soul, then I am in serious trouble. The last year or so, I have been a frequent nightmare sufferer. Several times my wife has had to wake me up because I was dangerously close to becoming violent in my sleep. One time, I was actually even punching her in the back before she woke up and got me awake.

The other night I had a doozy. I dreamed I was killing myself. Now, even though I have suffered from bipolar disorder for years, I have never tried to kill myself; nor would I ever. (Which doesn’t mean there weren’t times when I thought I would be better off dead, but that’s not quite the same thing.) Now, in my nightmare I didn’t commit suicide — at least I don’t think I did.

I was in an old house that I have dreamed about in the past. Places frequently repeat themselves in my dream, and this particular place has always been a little creepy whenever I dream about it, always involving ghosts, weird noises, evil spirits and the like. For whatever reason, I was in the basement floor of this house, but it wasn’t like a typical basement. It was more like a long, wide corridor with rooms on each side of the corridor. I was looking for a place where I could take a shower. This might be an important piece of the dream.

At any rate, an evil spirit appeared and tried to attack me. I fought back and began choking it.  The entire time I choked it, I was calling on the name of Jesus to send it back to the hell it came out of. (I was talking aloud in my sleep because my words were garbled. Because of my cpap machine if I talk in my sleep while I’m dreaming, the words in my dream are garbled.) As I choked this evil creature, I noticed something odd and unnerving.

It looked exactly like a teenaged version of myself.  At about that time, my wife awoke me.

I don’t know quite what to make of this dream. I know where some of it might come from. I’ve been reading a YA novel that I wrote because I’ve been thinking about revising and self publishing it. It is a Christian horror novel dealing with Satanism. That might be where it came from.

But I wonder what Freud would think or Jung. Was this just some dream or was it some indication — some prophecy or message or truth I should know about myself. I believe that dreams can and do reveal what is going on with a person. I also believe that sometimes dreams are just dreams and they’re stupid.  But this one has me puzzled.

Am I trying to hide something in my past — metaphorically kill it so to speak? Am I trying to move on or change from something and the only way to do that is to turn my back on my past? Does this dream signal that I am going to take some new track in my life or perhaps that I’m realizing my mortality and my younger self is dying? Maybe there’s something inside me that I wish were dead. Or is it just a stupid dream?

I’m not sure really. My life has undergone a lot of changes over the last six months. I retired from teaching, moved to a different part of the state, and got a new grandbaby. I’m also teaching classes for a new college in a completely new way through ITV. Maybe my brain is just unsettled and all the pieces float around a little until I sleep and then they fall into some random patterns. Who knows? I will just continue to take things one day at a time.

When I finish revising my YA Christian horror novel, I will put it on Amazon so you can purchase it for you Kindle. It’s a pretty good book that has been published once, but it needs work. I will warn you that it’s not your grandmother’s Christian book. I believe that there is a spirit world and that sometimes those spirits, whether they be good or bad, interfere with the human world. I also believe that humans are perfectly capable of being good or bad without the help of spirits.

In the meantime, my funny, fluffy, and completely family-friendly book, Walt Michaels Is a Weenie is still available on Amazon. Sales are not tearing up the charts, so I would be grateful for your support.

Click to purchase or preview Walt Michaels book



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