I’m beginning to have a problem that I had once before with one of the medications I used to take; it might have been the Lamictal I have begun taking once again. I am beginning to feel very emotional. I can’t tell you the number of times lately I felt like crying over some sad thing in a tv show or the times I was so close to just absolutely losing my temper for some little reason.
I know that isn’t normal for me. I don’t know what’s happening, but I don’t like it because I don’t feel like I’m in control. There are those who would say I should feel grateful because I haven’t been very emotional for a long time. But this doesn’t feel like that. It does not feel like genuine emotion. It feels fake, but even if it is fake, I can barely control myself.
On Call the Midwife, one of my favorite Sunday PBS shows, one of the nuns who suffers from some kind of mental disorder, gave a perfect description of what it feels like for me with my bipolar disorder. I almost said to the family, “There, that’s exactly what I feel like,” but I didn’t think it was really the time or the place to do so. Nobody understands what it, what I feel like, most of the time.
I feel as if my mind is buzzing — the other halfway crazy nun on the show called it static interference, like what you would get with a radio. I can’t focus; I can’t concentrate; I can’t think; I can’t pray; I can’t talk; I can’t think on my feet; I feel as if I am fogged in. The half crazy sister also said something about the ones who are fogged in have it made because when they finally see the shore clearly it becomes much more beautiful to them. Though in some small way this is true, the problem is the fog always comes back.
The interference starts infiltrating your mind again. It’s like living your life with constant background noise that you can’t ignore. I wish I had her exact words again, but when I heard them, I thought, wow, this is me. This is the way my mind is. People who are normal will never understand this.
People like me just come off as the weird one who is lost in his or her own little world. We do that because we can’t stand to be in so many worlds at once. That’s what it feels like when my mind is whirling like it does. And the problem is, none of the worlds relate to each other. It’s like several parallel universes all come together in one spot and overlap one another until it’s just noise. Some of it you get close to recognizing, but most of it you can’t make out.
Mind you, I am taking medication and my bipolar is the milder form. Imagine someone without medication or someone who has the more severe kind.
I know this is a post that will make some people feel uncomfortable, and it’s more personal that I usually get, but I think I needed to write about if for no other reasons than to let people who are like me know they are not alone and to let people who are not like me know what it feels like to be me and others like me.